If you have a car alarm, put your car keys beside your bed at night. That way, when the retarded neighbor kids bump into your car because they're on their wheelie boards or whatever the fuck, just press the panic button for your car and you can finish taking your after work/depression nap. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: "Okay. I'm going to leave my keys right here. And tomorrow, I'm going to find them right here. If I'm late, it gives my boss a reason to go on and on well after I've got the fucking point." Test it. It will work at least twice this week. It works if you park in your driveway or garage, not half a block away; really, if someone else is parking there, you're allowed to take a 5-iron to their car, ipso facto. If someone is trying to break in your house, then you are allowed to kill them. This is the moment you have been training for... after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see the frontier-style brand of justice you are handing out to the criminal. And remember to carry your keys in your hand while walking to your car in a parking lot. If someone tries to rape you, you will have the keys spaced out between your fingers in a poor man's version of Wolverine, thus you should be able to slash away strips of tender cheek flesh ..... This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime. And, honestly, we should all be involved in helping to save lives and helping to save sexual abuse crimes.
P.S. I am sending this to everyone because I think it is fantastic.
Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone. Wouldn't be so useful if your hot air balloon tour over the Kenyan wilderness crashes.
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