Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Monday, November 5, 2007

good names for kitteh

steven meowlkmus
tony romew
meowtha graham
john meowdden
cat power
peyton meowing
jesus & mewy chain (you need two cats for this one to work out)
john meowcain
damon meowlbarn
rudy mewliani
flying meowkins
kittney spears
mewssolini
meowchael douglas
randy meows
steve shasta semew-professional wakeboarder
aunt jemewmew
karl lagerfeld

Friday, November 2, 2007

that's right



TEHY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE SO DELICIOUS

Late update:



Rebuttal:

next year's halloween costume

THE FUTURE OF MY MOUTH IS HERE!



i'm going to drink the shit out of this hot sauce. now, i know, it is tabasco. now, you are probably saying, "adam schefter, you are a hot sauce virgin if you think tabasco is even worth throwing in the cat's litter box, much less consuming. i prefer alien anal-probe xtra terrestrial hot sauce or some other variety that you gotta buy only online or in one of those weird hot sauce emporiums that i hear tales of existing." you are saying this because you are a homosexual fag. you think i don't have hot sauce!? i have like ten bottles of hot sauce in my house. sriachachacha, frank's, whatever. i MAKE my own hot sauce.

but this jalapeno stuff is like my new boyfriend, guys. it's not too spicy, so your pussy friends can partake! it tastes like the color green! it's delicious, and i recommend you purchase some today.


^^ this is the official schef hot sauce seal of approval

it all makes sense. it all finally makes fucking sense.



IM IN UR WASTELAND BURYING UR DEAD

april hates u, makes lilacs, u no can has. (1)
april in ur memoriez, making ur desire.
spring rain in ur dull rootzes.

earth in ur winter, covered in snow
can has potato. PO-TA-TO.
INVISIBLE SUMMER! RAININGZES!
im in ur hofgarden, drinking ur coffeez.

at archduke’s haus, invisible sled!
im in ur moutainz, holding on tight.
no can has cheezburger.
oral sex metaphors in ur poem.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

has anybody seen my tambourine?!



everything you've ever seen in your entire life will now remind you of tim curry, because everything in the world is represented in this video.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

say a prayer for surf boy...wherever he is.



Max McGee never would have made it in Roger Goodell's NFL. Then again, neither would many of his contemporaries.

McGee, who died Saturday after falling from the roof of his home in Minnesota, was a symbol of a league that no longer exists. One in which players went out on Saturday night, caroused to their heart's content, and then showed up on Sunday and played their hearts out.

From Bobby Layne through Paul Hornung and Joe Namath to dozens of lesser known players like McGee, the routine was liquor, ladies and late hours. Players were rarely fined, no one ever heard of steroids, and no one ever got suspended - except Hornung and Alex Karras, for what was then (and now) the one great sin, gambling.

McGee was the third wide receiver on Vince Lombardi's great Green Bay Packers, who won three NFL titles between 1961-65, then the first two Super Bowls.

He was one of the heroes of the first AFL-NFL championship, as it was then called, a 35-10 win over Kansas City. He caught two touchdown passes from Bart Starr after spending the night "on the town" and getting just a couple hours of sleep.

Early in the game, starter Boyd Dowler injured his shoulder and McGee heard his name called.

"I was just sitting there, dozing in the sun, and Lombardi yelled 'McGee get the hell in there!' " McGee told Lee Remmel, the team's historian and a local newspaper reporter in those days.

So at age 33, after a season in which he had just four receptions, McGee had a game that made him a part of NFL history. Otherwise, he might have been a footnote, although he did have a productive 12-season career: 345 receptions with an 18.2-yard average per catch and 50 touchdowns.

McGee's day received notice because it was in that first Super Bowl. Otherwise, no one would have raised an eyebrow - certainly not in the commissioner's office where there was no personal player conduct policy like the one instituted by Goodell after he took office last year following a rash of run-ins by players with the law.

Had there been, who knows how many players would have been brought before Pete Rozelle?

But the attitude back them was "boys will be boys," both within the NFL and within society.

Players from that era talk with a slight chuckle about teammates being pulled over for DUI, showing their licenses and having the police involved suddenly change their outlook in the presence of celebrity. The next thing they knew, one police officer was driving them home and another was driving the player's car to safety.

Rarely was anyone charged and most often nothing was ever made public.

"Everyone accepted it," says Gene Upshaw, the executive director of the NFL Players Association. "It was just part of the way society was in those days."

Upshaw played from 1968-82 for the Oakland Raiders, who have always been a landing spot for players who had trouble fitting in elsewhere. John Matuszak was the poster boy for that, the first pick by Houston in the 1973 draft whose off-field behaviour soon landed him in Kansas City and eventually with the Raiders.

"A lot of guys prided themselves on our reputation," Upshaw recalls. "It was like we had an advantage just walking on the field. The other guys would back off. It was like 'Here come the bad boys.' "

McGee had that reputation and so did Hornung and some of their other teammates.

But unlike the Raiders, the Packers as a team had to be a little more discreet about it. Lombardi wasn't as tolerant of wild behaviour as Al Davis.

Still, when McGee caught those two TD passes in the Super Bowl after his night on the town, it was part of the culture.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wednesday's Hero


User:Ward3001

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Ward3001

This user is a recent changes patroller.
This user strives to maintain a policy of neutrality on controversial issues.
This user thinks that registration should be required to edit articles.
ZT This user supports a strict zero-tolerance policy on vandalism.
no
ads This user is against advertisements on Wikipedia.
linkspam This user despises linkspam, and will terminate it on sight, as well as any other spam by the contributor.
vanity This user supports the removal of vanity pages with extreme prejudice.
This user recognizes the importance of citing sources.
This user fixes Double redirects.
This user feels that deletions subject to a popularity contest rather than a verifiability test damage Wikipedia more than any userbox ever could.
_ This_user_dislikes_seeing underscores_in_Wikilinks
This user believes that a user's edit count does not necessarily reflect on the value of their contributions to Wikipedia.
This user has a Doctor of Philosophy degree.
This user has published peer-reviewed articles in academic journals.
BYOB This user's MBTI type is BYOB.
which & that This user knows how to use which and that correctly.
their / there / they’re There are too many people who don’t know that they’re even worse than their children at spelling!
your/ you’re This user thinks that if your grammar is incorrect, you’re in need of help.

This user lives in or hails from
North Carolina.

Honorable mention: Dr. Robert Jarvik - inventor of the Jarvik artificial heart, malevolent multi-dimensional being, and loving father.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Mangini: Coughlin's a 'funny guy'



Jets coach Eric Mangini yesterday called Giants head coach Tom Coughlin "a pretty funny guy," which was pretty funny. "I haven't gotten to know him too well," Mangini said. "I met him a few times and then I sat next to him at Romeo (Crennel's) daughter's wedding and got to spend some time with him there. He's a pretty funny guy. You don't know somebody until you get to know them, and I really enjoyed the time we got to spend in that situation. And I thought he had a great sense of humor."

joe torre r.i.p.



;_;

ladies and gentlemen, i give you...JOHNNY WONG!

this animal is a cross between a cat and a wizened kung fu master. where do i buy a thing like this??! i'm fuckin OBSESSED bros.



Kung Fu do what you do to me
I haven't been the same since my teenage lobotomy
Full on, I moved to Hong Kong
With Bruce Lee's brother and Johnny Wong

I think it's strange
He's friends with Fu Manchu
And he thinks he knows you
Uh uh uh uh uh oh
Oh Daniel San made in Taiwan
Come on Jackie Chan
Uh uh uh uh uh oh

Last night Jackie Chan came around
I played pool with him and we hung out
Mr. Miagi and the X-men
Called in for a while as well

I think it's strange
He's friends with Fu Manchu
And he thinks he knows you
Uh uh uh uh uh oh
Oh Daniel San made in Taiwan
Come on Jackie Chan
Uh uh uh uh uh oh

Kung Fu do what you do to me
I can't live without my Kung Fu movies
'Shanghai Killers' and 'Deadly Road'
My life was ruined when the Green Dragon closed

Oh I think it's strange
He's friends with Fu Manchu
And he thinks he knows you
Uh uh uh uh uh oh
Oh Daniel San made in Taiwan
Come on Jackie Chan
Uh uh uh uh uh oh

I think it's strange
He's friends with Fu Manchu
And he's in love with you
Uh uh uh uh uh oh
Oh Daniel San made in Taiwan
Come on Jackie Chan
Uh uh uh uh uh oh

boners r.i.p.

Friday, October 5, 2007

shit that is very ok, a probably not too often updated series



I'm on a train to new brunswick, nj. For the past near hour I've been
staring at this poster. It has a picture of a lady, pointing angrily
at a hispanic boy, about 8 years old. He is making that face-the one
where you are trying to look extra sad and pathetic, but also are
trying not to laugh because, secretly, whatever you did to get
yourself in trouble is still fucking hilarious.

Anyway, across the top it reads, "maybe he CAN'T 'just stop
it'...maybe it's a neurological disorder." At the bottom, in larger
letters, it says, "maybe...it's TOURETTE'S."



(thanks u to schefterblogz #1 bffs <3 <3 <3 brian and wankette for these images, which will be used 400x on this internets website for the future)

Thursday, October 4, 2007

say a prayer for surf boy...wherever he is



Popular Enoshima aquarium seal dies after 10 1/2-year run

YOKOHAMA (Kyodo) Minazo, Japan's largest seal, died this week having charmed visitors for 10 1/2 years at Enoshima Aquarium in Fujisawa, Kanagawa Prefecture, aquarium officials said.

The 11-year-old male, 4.5-meters long and weighing about 2 tons, was the largest seal ever raised by a Japanese aquarium. The animal died Tuesday after its appetite began to rapidly weaken the day before, officials said. The cause of death was not immediately known.

Minazo was brought to Japan from Uruguay in 1995. The seal soon mastered a variety of comical feats, including a popular stunt in which he held a bucket with one flipper while sticking out his tongue.

Minazo quickly rose to stardom at the aquarium, where his three shows a day proved a hit with visitors.

The aquarium has set up a space in front of Minazo's water tank to allow visitors to leave flowers in Minazo's memory, the officials said.

D:

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Friday, September 28, 2007

shit that is not ok, an ongoing series

Girls pretending to like football so guys think they're cool

this has become a horrible trend. i’ve noticed that when i’m out or when a girl meets me she asks what my “team” is…. we then start to talk about football and she tricks me into thinking that she actually likes it.

the nfl has even started making women’s size jersey’s etc… for this. it’s not that i’m opposed to women liking football, i just wish they wouldn’t act like it was important to them to get to me.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

;_; NEVAR FORGET


To live like I ain't never lived before. If y'all see me in the news, and I make the news for something that I ain't got no business making it for, don't bash me. Say it was a young guy living.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Don't Tase me, bro,

Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,

Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,
Don't Tase me, bro,

Monday, September 17, 2007

Friday, September 14, 2007

Thursday, September 13, 2007

THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING



the fuck, jimmy??? lol you gotta crash better family vacays than the belichick one, bro.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

FINALLY A NEW REASONS TO "NEVER FORGET" 9/11!

it is the day that i discovered my new favorite painter and author, james de blas!. behold the christ eagle:



The Legend Of Humopia, my most recent story and
deals with a planets' struggle with the forces of Love
and Fear. Humopian's are a race of blue beings living
on Humopia, the Pearl Planet. This story remains a
mystery until I am ready to unveil it.


i am excited for the unveiling of this new story!!!! never forget!

Monday, September 10, 2007

speedy deliveries!!

reader "ross" inquired of us the following inquiries:

you seem like the man who would know: I have tried to care about the Vikings for years but ever since Chris Carter left it just seems pointless. And I don't live there anymore. Which team should I now love and where in NY can I go to drink and watch them lose? Oh I should say that as a Minnesotan I expect whatever team I support to be promising but ultimately fail horribly.


thxs u for your faith in my recommendations, and also thxs u for readershiop! i would recommend this team:



the problem is, this is not actually a real team. since you are in ny, the easiest bet for you is to root for either the giants or the jets. the jets are a bunch of fairies who haven't been worth even spitting on since the day namath retired, so that leaves you with the giants. being a giants fan will be fulfilling in the way mentioned: the season will be promising, but ultimately you will go home bewildered and upset by how much this team obviously hates you and all of the other fans, and is just trying to spite you. eli's receivers have apparently stopped being little girl bitches who'd rather play with their my little ponies than play football this year, which of course means that the defense will piss themselves in fear when confronted with tony romo.

(fyi tony "badass awesome terrifying voltron of quarterbacking" romo: )

in terms of bars, most of them are terrible. if the closest one to your house has a couple of tvs, i'd just recommend that one. my last apartments in nyc were up on the upper west side and all the way up by columbia--so, i just went to whatever was nearest to me up there, if i was in town that weekend. any place that is a shitty hole-in-the-wall but has a chalkboard outside saying something like "NFL TICKET! 25c WINGS!" is going to be a good choice, also. you probably want to actually avoid bars that are specifically sports bars (ie most "irish" "pubs"), at least in nyc, unless you like being around mouth-breathing jets fans for hours.

sincerely,
the schef

it's my fuckin jam, bitch!!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

VOTERS: SCHEF MOST FUKKABLE


Having this honor the same year as being recognized as the world's most important human by Time Magazine is just truly unbelievable. I mean I dreamed it all a million times, but having reality come true is an indescribable sensation kind of like fucking a puma and a jaguar at the same time but even that doesn't capture the breathlessness of my super-scenario.

Thank you I love you all, my fans. :)

Click here for full results

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

christopher cross wednesdays!

just call me kotaku lol



this is gonna be the most solid year ever from now to next august guys!!

michael jacksons is of all nations all races



thxs you,
the schef

COLOSSUS THE FORBIN PROJECT

Kokomo is basically the worst song ever written. It should be removed from the Beach Boys' canon and added as a bonus track on some U2 or Radiohead or Coldplay record. Every time Kokomo is played, a wormhole opens between this world and a dimension of unfettered lameness, a place so putrid and pathetically mediocre in every way that it makes Jay Leno sound like Lenny Bruce and the diced onions on a McDonald's burger taste like scotch bonnets. Kokomo is the mind killer. Kokomo is the little death that brings total obliteration. The Hustle by Van McCoy has more sack than fucking Kokomo.

O SHIT


BEDSIDE TABLE


INTRUDER ALERT!

Monday, August 20, 2007

whut i need for my day

Mating Rituals of Low-Middle Class Women



1. A proclivity for using the word “classy” frequently
2. Racoon streaks
3. Wearing shirts with statements on them, like “Hotter than your girlfriend”, “sassy”, “sex magnet”, etc
4. Flipping out on anyone who calls you a bitch
5. Boost mobile subscriber
6. Referring to your boyfriend as “your man”
7. Fake shiny jewelry
8. Identifying with Fergie



9. Lip Gloss
10. Wedge shoes with high heels
11. Jorts
12. White beach sandals
13. Streak-colored hair
14. Opossum Pie
15. Making dance videos and submitting them to YOUTUBE



16. Outta control piercings (lip/eyebrow/10 in one ear)
17. Tats (especially the infamous tramp stamp)
18. Carrying cigarettes in the same hand as a lit one.



19. Droppin the F-bomb every other word
20. Making out with other women in clubs
21. fake and bake on a consistent basis
22. Ridiculous amount of make-up
23. Those little Coach logo purses
24. French manicured Acrylic nails
25. Everything in her closet is from Forever 21
26. Letting her bra and/or panties show (i.e. wearing pants that expose her thong)
27. Little charms attached to cell phone
28. Rihanna ringtones
29. Overdone black eyeliner
30. Imitating Paris Hilton



31. Track suits with Juicy on the ass
32. Toy dogs in carriers
33. Referring to their bf as “beau”
34. Chewing gum like a cow
35. Running and screaming when their BFF enters the room yet 2 seconds earlier talking about them behind their back
36. Considering the Olive Garden as fine dining
37. Reading US Weekly or another supermarket rag religiously
38. Posting cute Myspace comments on his page (x2 if they are premade graphics with lines like “just droppin’ in to say hi”)
39. Wearing a track suit on a plane
40. Vacationing in Florida