Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

christopher cross wednesdays!

just call me kotaku lol

this is gonna be the most solid year ever from now to next august guys!!

michael jacksons is of all nations all races

thxs you,
the schef


Kokomo is basically the worst song ever written. It should be removed from the Beach Boys' canon and added as a bonus track on some U2 or Radiohead or Coldplay record. Every time Kokomo is played, a wormhole opens between this world and a dimension of unfettered lameness, a place so putrid and pathetically mediocre in every way that it makes Jay Leno sound like Lenny Bruce and the diced onions on a McDonald's burger taste like scotch bonnets. Kokomo is the mind killer. Kokomo is the little death that brings total obliteration. The Hustle by Van McCoy has more sack than fucking Kokomo.




Monday, August 20, 2007

whut i need for my day

Mating Rituals of Low-Middle Class Women

1. A proclivity for using the word “classy” frequently
2. Racoon streaks
3. Wearing shirts with statements on them, like “Hotter than your girlfriend”, “sassy”, “sex magnet”, etc
4. Flipping out on anyone who calls you a bitch
5. Boost mobile subscriber
6. Referring to your boyfriend as “your man”
7. Fake shiny jewelry
8. Identifying with Fergie

9. Lip Gloss
10. Wedge shoes with high heels
11. Jorts
12. White beach sandals
13. Streak-colored hair
14. Opossum Pie
15. Making dance videos and submitting them to YOUTUBE

16. Outta control piercings (lip/eyebrow/10 in one ear)
17. Tats (especially the infamous tramp stamp)
18. Carrying cigarettes in the same hand as a lit one.

19. Droppin the F-bomb every other word
20. Making out with other women in clubs
21. fake and bake on a consistent basis
22. Ridiculous amount of make-up
23. Those little Coach logo purses
24. French manicured Acrylic nails
25. Everything in her closet is from Forever 21
26. Letting her bra and/or panties show (i.e. wearing pants that expose her thong)
27. Little charms attached to cell phone
28. Rihanna ringtones
29. Overdone black eyeliner
30. Imitating Paris Hilton

31. Track suits with Juicy on the ass
32. Toy dogs in carriers
33. Referring to their bf as “beau”
34. Chewing gum like a cow
35. Running and screaming when their BFF enters the room yet 2 seconds earlier talking about them behind their back
36. Considering the Olive Garden as fine dining
37. Reading US Weekly or another supermarket rag religiously
38. Posting cute Myspace comments on his page (x2 if they are premade graphics with lines like “just droppin’ in to say hi”)
39. Wearing a track suit on a plane
40. Vacationing in Florida

Friday, August 17, 2007

my computer is blunged out!!!!

lol who needs to look up pron

comings of the japans pt 11

Your Japanese Name Is...

Kuri Karasuma


This guide addresses problems associated with rave parties. Rave parties–or, more simply, raves–are dance parties that feature fast-paced, repetitive electronic music and accompanying light shows. Raves are the focus of rave culture, a youth-oriented subculture that blends music, art and social ideals (e.g., peace, love, unity, respect, tolerance, happiness). Rave culture also entails the use of a range of licit and illicit drugs. Drug use is intended to enhance ravers' sensations and boost their energy so they can dance for long periods.

Rave party problems will be familiar to many police officers working in communities where raves have been held; they will be unfamiliar to many other officers who have never experienced raves or, perhaps, even heard of them. In many jurisdictions, the first time a young person dies while or after attending a rave and using rave-related drugs sparks media, public and political pressure on police to take action.1

In some respects, rave party problems are unique; they combine a particular blend of attitudes, drugs and behavior not found in other forms of youth culture. In other respects, rave party problems are but the latest variation in an ongoing history of problems associated with youth entertainment, experimentation, rebellion, and self-discovery.2

Dealing appropriately with raves is difficult for police. On the one hand, police often face substantial pressure from mainstream society to put an end to raves, usually through aggressive law enforcement. On the other hand, raves are enormously popular among a significant minority of teenagers and young adults, most of whom are generally law abiding and responsible. Strict enforcement efforts can alienate a key segment of this population from government in general, and the police in particular. To be sure, raves can pose genuine risks, but those risks are frequently exaggerated in the public's mind. It is important that police recognize that most rave-related harms happen to the ravers themselves, and while ravers are not wholly responsible for those harms, they willingly assume much of the risk for them. Accordingly, rave party problems are at least as much public health problems as they are crime and disorder problems. It is critical that you establish a solid base of facts about rave-related harms in your community, facts from which you can intelligently develop local policies and responses.

The principal rave-related concerns for police are:

* drug overdoses and associated medical hazards;
* drug trafficking and the potential for violence associated with it;
* noise (from rave music, crowds and traffic);
* driving under the influence; and
* traffic control and parking congestion.

Related Problems

Rave party problems are only one set of problems relating to youth, large crowds and illegal drugs, problems police are partially responsible for addressing. Other problems not directly addressed in this guide include:

* problems associated with crowds at music clubs (e.g., hiphop clubs), and at concerts and other big events;
* assaults in and around bars;
* thefts of and from cars in parking facilities;
* disorderly youth in public places;
* graffiti;
* street-level drug dealing;
* clandestine drug labs;
* high-level trafficking in rave-related drugs; and
* use of illicit drugs in acquaintance rape.

Factors Contributing to Rave Party Problems

Understanding the factors that contribute to your problem will help you frame your own local analysis questions, determine good effectiveness measures, recognize key intervention points, and select appropriate responses.

Ethnic hair styles -
Sloppy male hippies -
Retro punks -
People with thick glasses -
Glorifying serial killers -
Hobbit motherfuckers -
No guts -
No glory -
No riot -

I've had enough -
My generation sucks -
I agree -
My generation sucks -

Cyber idiots with pierced scrotums -
Copulating -
With animals -
In cars -
Parked ouside the rave party -
Not enough war -
Not enough famine -
Not enough suffering -
Not enough natural selection -

That's what I say -
My generation sucks -
I've had enough -
My generation sucks





Tuesday, August 14, 2007

from the reader mailbag :D

sometimes i like to answer my reader's questions, like sue on sex talk, which is my favorite show. it is on oxygen. i'm kinda pissed she refused to answer my question about anal sex in the shower without condom but whatever, fuck it. this is why i am here, for you, the reader. anyway, this question comes from "ken noisewater m.d." who is in "arlington, va":

Having a girl over to watch a movie. Are we too old for this to do on a 1st/2nd date? This was my go-to move in high school and college, not so sure about it now.

good question. rent Tombstone, have her over and let her show her mettle. If she can’t handle it, or if she wants to make out during the gunfight at the ok corral, send her home in a cab.

but this is total 3rd or 4th date material.

also, i particularly like heckling people standing outside of bars after last call, when a girl and guy are doing that “we want to make out but probably too soon to do it”. perfect time to yell “ASK HER TO WATCH BRAVEHEART.”

best place for sunday brunch??

Let’s get real here. ANY restaurant with the word “pancake” in its title, is likely pretty damn tasty.

Monday, August 13, 2007


some of you have been asking me why i haven't been covering the preseason on my internets weblog.

lol preseason is for homosexuals.

choo choo rockets! choo choo rockets! choo choo rockets!

Friday, August 10, 2007

someone in this room...IS A MURDERER!!!

lol why the hell are these cats so shocked. fuck 'em!!!

Monday, August 6, 2007


UPDATE virgin music festival

I've been asked about some of the other bands that played. Here is an update:

TV on the Radio - We left after the B-Boys, as they were playing, sorta heard them on the way out.
Sasha & Digweed - I didn't come within 50 yards of the "Dance Tent" the entire time. Even though Girltalk might have been interesting.
Interpol - I didn't move between Wu Tang (they started right as Wu Tang ended on the other stage) and Velvet Revolver. I figure if I really get a bonar for these guys they play 930 almost every year. I'd kinda rather just listen to old Gang of 4 and Wire records.
Matisyahu - He ended right before we got there. I really had no desire to check out an ex-Phish head who's gone hasidic do a neo-Snow routine about the Torah.
MIA - Isn't she like the female version of the soundtrack to Da Ali G show?
The Police - like I said previously, I understand the importance, I just don't give a shit.

virgin music festival


Drove to Lexington Market to get on the Metro. Parked in the Hippodrome's parking garage. Baltimore's Metro is filthy compared to DC's. Also all the passcard vending machines were busted so the Metro was free. Took that to the Rogers station and got off and took a bus for a few blocks to Pimlico.

Got there in probably the middle of the Fratelli's set, and scoped them for a while. Was alright. The bass player switched basses between every song, which is such a guitar player thing to do. Maybe the heat & humidity kept throwing them out of tune or something.

After the Fratellis we met up with Brit's coworker+girlfriend+roommate and walked towards the main stage where Amy Winehouse was doing that one Lauren Hill song that's all "That thing, That thing That thi-i-i-ing". We stood around there for a while, then Brit went to hit the can and evidently got distracted by Paolo Nutini on the second stage so it took her like a half hour to get back to us. Then Brit & me and +roommate went to go check out the rest of Paolo Nutini's set, all the while figuring that Paulo Nutini was Pete Bjorn & John.

I guess right as we got there Cheap Trick was coming off the main stage, but we didn't know, for some reason in my mind CT was on the second stage later, so I kept waiting for CT (that was our excuse for leaving the other folks to watch Incubus on their own), but we missed them. Oh well.

Then we ran into Brit's pothead ex-friend Lindsay, and we watched Pete Bjorn & John. They were pretty interesting.

Then we parted ways with Lindsay and went to get some food and hit the can. We hung out inside the Pimlico building for a while as we missed Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals on the main stage. When we got back to our feet we went back to the second stage to catch a little bit of LCD Sound System but I wasn't feeling it so we headed to the main stage.

Then, after a while the Beastie Boys came on and did their thing, and it was pretty awesome, even though by then the sun-baked/stoned/drunk crowd wasn't gonna go off too much. Their way-old punk stuff with Mike D on the mike didn't translate quite as well as it could have, I think Adrock is their better punk singer. They did a good mix from all eras.

Then we left.


Drove to the Metro Stop next to Pimlico which took way less time.

Got there as Explosions In The Sky were setting up, listened to them for a while, was cool. Then we headed over to the main stage for Panic! At The Disco which Brit though she wanted to see but was wrong. When they came on she said "Wait, this is that band? They suck ass." So we headed back to the second stage and waited for the Bad Brains to come on. Brit went somewhere, but then came back before the Bad Brains hit the stage. They came on and they place exploded. I slammed with the crowd for a few tunes and have a bruise or 2. HR more stands and sings than goes off and screams these days, but the rest of the band was totally on point. They did a little more of their 90s-era chunka-chunka metal bullshit than I cared for, but they did enough ROIR era stuff to make up for it. HR stood around strumming one of theose Ibanez Artcore hollowbody jazz guitars for half the set which was weird. He also threw a big round loaf of bread into the crowd which confused everyone.

After them we waited for fucking ever and then Wu Tang Clan showed up and rocked the house. They got the crowd going more than any other act that I saw. A lot of audience participation. They did a lot of 36 Chambers stuff, and Method Man was definitely the frontman. They also did a singalong of "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" in honor of ODB. I was sorta surprised when they did "Da Rockwilder" from the Redman Methodman Blackout album, seeing that Redman wasn't there. Cappadonna was there though, to put his verse into "Triumph".

I was pretty drained after Wu Tang.

Then Velvet Revolver came on and I guess a lot of people care about that band enough to know all the words to a lot of songs, where I really only care about it because it has 2 of the dudes that played on Appetite. They rocked pretty good, and I got to see Slash, who basically was the reason I ever picked up a guitar. They did a lot of their songs which I don't know, then they did "Sex Type Thing" which I though was way improved over STP's version, and then some more of their own tunes and then "It's So Easy" from Appetite. We stayed around for a few more tunes before I realized that they weren't going to cut the bullshit and just play every tune from Appetite front to back so we mosied over towards the main stage where the Smashing Pumpkins Lightshow Extravaganza was starting up.

It was pretty obvious that the effort to get less than a quarter mile from the stage was going to be tremendous, so we hung back for a few minutes then decided to beat the traffic out of there. I will say this: According to my eyes and the big projector screen, either Billy Corgan got James Iha and D'Arcy back or he got some other Asian dude to play rhythm and some other skinny blond chick to play bass.

So, all in all it was pretty fun. I liken the mainstream festival concert crowd more to a sports event crowd than an actual real club show crowd. Only with more pot. Jesus was there a lot of fucking pot there. Everybody there but us was smoking pot. Being in the television industry for this past most-of-a-decade really made me forget that there are people out there who still do that. I kinda feel like it stopped being in production around 99.

That's about it.

Friday, August 3, 2007



to the intern still in my bed...

Thank you for a lovely evening of making the beast of two backs. I know that my presence was a bit much for you to handle, but I am, in fact, quite a big deal, so I understand that it was difficult to control your lustful urges.

The GOP has allowed me to vault from being the son of a West Virginia coal miner to quite a scenester and ass magnet.

I saw the look in your eyes as you watched your face contort with pleasure in the mirror over my bed–the one that you are no doubt viewing yourself in right now, saying, “wow, I am so lucky to have experienced that at such a tender age”–don’t fret my pet, I will not call you and if I see you again I will ignore you like the bums outside a metro stop.

I am off to my next conquest–I am thinking of a certain lass from the GA delegation.

Happy Fall Friday!

fuck my job

Because I have been labeled hilarious, my bosses want me to come up with some cutesy lines for the mail order inserts. Here is what I have:

"Private studies have disproved the link between ear cancer and purchasing music. So go ahead, live it up!" - A scientist, wearing a lab coat

"One time I was in a car wreck, nothing bad--but my CDs were ruined! I'm glad I bought several copies of everything from YepRoc as backups." - Person with common sense

"It makes my whole day great when I know my order will be there when I get home." - Person whose optimism and enthusiasm will lead to job promotions, attracting attractive lovers, and gravitating circles of admirers at parties

"A day in prison goes by so much faster when you get mail and when you can listen to music. YepRoc does both" - Person who made some mistakes in the past, but is determined to do things right from now on

Thursday, August 2, 2007